Wasn’t it JUST December 7th?? I mean, really? Have the days literally gotten shorter or what? It seems like I was just getting all dressed up, squeezing into my Spanx, getting ready for a Girl’s Night Out at Global Grill this time last year. INSANE!! I remember a time when I was a teenager when the week of my birthday seemed to drag on forever. The night until my slumber party with all my friends seemed like a lifetime away. Now, just ten short years later (ahem) ok, maybe a few more than that….here I am with a couple of teenagers of my own trying with all my might to slow things down! Savor the moment a little. Stretch things out. Keep the boys young a bit longer. (I hear giving them whiskey helps to stunt their growth…thoughts?) But here I am…another birthday. I suppose it is much better than the alternative…NOT having a birthday. Nonetheless, I have cried on this day since I was 14. I have never quite figured it out. As excited as I was to be having a birthday at that age, I cried when the day actually arrived. Not openly (like I do now…to strangers) just in private for a few moments. It has been a tradition now for umpteen years. I have just never wanted to get older I guess. I look at my beautiful mother and I think how lucky I am to have her good genes. Do I need to remind you about the guy working the “Guess your Age” game at the fair a few months ago that thought I was SIX years younger than I am?? (Because I will…repeatedly.) But still, I have never been one of those women whom I admire that just embrace every passing year, every age, every wrinkle, with open arms. I have never been one of those people who sees an elderly woman sitting on the pew at church looking so lovely and thinks, ” I hope I am just like her when I get to be that age.” My thoughts are more like “Oh My Dear Lord….Is that going to be ME someday???? Am I going to be THAT old?” I am pathetic, really, and I want to change. I wonder sometimes if I am the only one who feels like this and quite honestly, I am ashamed. I should be thankful that I have my health and that I am around to see my boys grow. I should consider myself lucky to have all these years that I have had because I know they are precious. I have seen friends who have lost loved ones too soon, and the guilt I feel for not wanting to grow old consumes me during those times. I think a big part of this is that I am not afraid to die. I am a Christian who believes that I will see my Creator when I pass away and I am comforted by that…not frightened. I am sure it would devastate my family so for that reason…bring on the birthdays!! Wow…this is a pretty heavy post for a Birthday Girl! Maybe my tradition of crying every year is being replaced by waking up and writing a morbid blog entry to start everyone’s day…you are welcome! Darn technology! Sorry.
On my Insane Search for Sanity, my me-time today will be spent “paying it forward.” This week has already been filled with love and generosity towards me for my birthday and there are plans for that to continue through the weekend. Today, I will take as many opportunities as possible to be generous to others whether it be strangers, co-workers, friends, or family. I am also going to do my best to not to cry ONE TIME today. This may require me to not turn on my lighted magnifying mirror…but hey, whatever it takes! Those wrinkles (um, laugh-lines) will still be there tomorrow. (Unless you know of some good product….I’m a sucker for anything!!) hee hee.