Ok, so maybe I didn’t have such a great day today. Maybe I cried once (or twice) in my car between meetings. You’ve done that before, right? It was just a stressful day. We’ve all had them. It’s how we choose to handle them that makes a difference. Most of the time I find a constructive way to process a bad day. I hit the gym to sweat it out or go for a run (ok, a brisk walk.) Sometimes I vent to a close friend over a glass of wine or two and we end up laughing it all away. Today was different. Today I let things really get to me. I didn’t process it like a big girl. As a matter of fact, I sat in my car and pulled the visor mirror down and watched myself cry. Don’t act like you haven’t done it…you know you have. I cried, and cried, and just felt plain sorry for myself. Bad news from the doctor….boo hoo! Too much to do before the wedding….waaaaaaa! I haven’t had carbs in two days….I want my mommmmyyyyy! It wasn’t my proudest moment but I think it may have done some good. What this little “fit” caused me to do was really take a look at the real problem. WHY was I reacting this way? WHY was I allowing myself to feel so invaluable and down? Once I pinpointed the reason for that, things became much more clear.
In the middle of this crybaby episode, I called my future husband. Larry is a man who can not stand to see the woman he loves cry. When he heard me sobbing on the other end of the phone he thought something horrible had happened. He then began to make out what I was saying through my sobs. ” I, I, Don’t. I Don’t. sniff sniff. I Don’t wa wa wa want anyone to throw mmmmme a wedding sh sh sh shower or a birthday partyyyyyyyyyyy WAAAAAAAAAA!” The phone was quiet and he sweetly just said, “Babe, your friends love you and they just want to celebrate you just like you always celebrate them. Please just let them do that for you.” After a few more sobs I let him off the hook and finished the tantrum alone in my car. But I was really troubled by the whole episode. Why had I let things (people, work, doctors, whatever) make me feel so invaluable that I would actually want to deprive myself from the joy of being celebrated as a bride and as the Birthday Girl all in one month?? I mean, I LOVE parties! I really love it when they are for ME! So I snapped out of it….not as quickly as I should have, but I did.
When I got home tonight and sat around the dinner table with my family, I remembered what is really important. I remembered who thinks I am valuable and why they think I am. Hearing Autumn say the word “lame” in every sentence was cracking me up. Jake talking about the church camping trip this weekend and seeing how excited he was to be going warmed my heart. Alex cracking jokes on everyone at the table made us all laugh. This is what matters. I will take a few minutes to say a prayer tonight to ask God for a little forgiveness for ever doubting my value.
On this insane search for sanity, my “me” time today was a good, good cry.